Fervently I prayed and not just me but everyone who I felt could bend God’s ear with any accuracy. I asked them to pray. I even fasted. My prayer went unanswered it would seem. Please do not attempt to placate me with your Sunday School answer that He answers with yes, no or wait. I cannot bear your cheap words to try to soothe this gaping wound in my heart….. a wound that God Himself seemed to cause with His silence to my petition.
What happened to the promises of John 14:14 anyway? I asked in His name. Did He forget that He promised to bring me to an expected end? Or was that promise for His favored child….not me? I did not doubt His ability, but I certainly now doubted His willingness. The place of unbelief lies for us church folks in doubting His love as much as doubting His power. The place of pride lies in believing that I deserve better than I got. The place of selfishness lies in the whispers that I cannot be happy without The Father doing this thing I ask.
And in my unbelief, He responds as the loving Father He is. He does not explain His all-knowing ways to me. He confronts my unbelief.
” Why would You not do this thing? This big thing? This thing that would bring You glory?” I ask Him.
” Maybe you are asking for the wrong thing.” He answers.
And that is all. He speaks no other words. I begin the process of thinking these words through. I ponder. I roll this thought around in my mind for days. Maybe I am asking for the wrong thing.
Could it be that my prayers are a self-absorbed blueprint in which God completes a well designed plan for my life scripted by me? Could it be that God will change His mind in response to the prayers of His people and I just have not asked enough, or fasted long enough, or quit too soon? Could it be that the words of Garth Brooks, the wanna-be theologian/ country star rings true…”Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers?” As if left to our own devices we would heap chaos upon ourselves?
Instead days later, the whispered answer comes….. in the middle of the night…while The Mister sleeps and the house is quiet.
“Your view of Me is too small. You ask for pitifully small things from me. Temporal things, unimportant things. I want to show you deep treasures, everlasting things. Think about Who you are addressing and what I can and will do for you. I am enough for any situation. Ask me to show my splendor and not fix your circumstances. Ask me for my very breath on your heart instead of a change of view. Child, you cannot imagine the places I will take you. Do you believe I am bigger than what you ask for?”
I hold my breath. I feel Him so close it scares me. What seemed so cloudy is crystal clear. It is HIM. It has always been HIM. It will always be HIM. Only HIM. Enough to rock my world and shatter my fears. I limit Him only in my unbelief…. in my selfishness…. in my pride.
Quietly I crawl out of bed and onto the floor. When in the presence of GREATNESS there is no other acceptable posture. I realize in that moment that I have asked for the wrong things: quick fixes, band aids for the gaping wounds of unbelief. I lay still and soak up warmth of glory that makes me aware that I am small.
I want to see You. Do with me what you want in any way You please…. just let me see Your glory.