This is the moment for the last 4 weeks in which I’ve talked myself into folding laundry, or having my second cup of coffee on the porch, or maybe even snuggling back in bed with The Mister for a few extra minutes.
Today out of desperation I force myself into my shoes and running shorts. I teeter on the edge of sanity and as my fingers grip the edge I force myself to grab onto the life-preserver that running always is, when falling would be easier.
I go to the gym because on the treadmill surrounded by half a dozen people I will not cry. I will be tough and pound out the steps to Good Morning America, or CNN Headline News, although they both contain enough bad news to induce tears. I will make my legs go through the motions because my mind and emotions need the release of endorphins.
Knowing my thoughts are too jumbled to sort out the hows and whys of the last week I long for a soothing long slow run that makes my mind numb and my legs ache. And that is exactly what I get. An hour later I am drenched and tired. I have listened to Mark Driscoll deliver a blistering sermon hoping to jolt me out of the stuck place I find myself, but that is not today. Instead his words drone on until I switch over to GMA and listen to the tail end of an interview with Michelle Obama.
In the end, I feel better. Maybe the endorphins will make me forget I have forgotten my dress socks, and will have to wear these gym socks disguised with body spray all day. The endorphins help me smile when I see my text from The Mister reminding me simply “It’s OK”. The endorphins lie to me and tell me that I will be ready for a half in 4 weeks…. no problem.
I have forgotten that running is perhaps the best form of therapy I have….maybe behind blogging, which I have neglected as well. I realize my grid may have gotten skewed in the last few days, and running beat it right back into line. Now things are a tad clearer, more focused.
Running reminds me to let go of self-doubt. Running reminds me that this 43-year-old body is strong, but won’t last forever and I better enjoy today. Running reminds me to embrace change. Running reminds me of the people I love in this life. Running reminds me I have no control over anyone except me. And running means I’m alive and well.
And that dear reader, is the beauty of the endorphins.